As I sit and compose this entry, I find myself thinking about how I always thought I would never be one to broadcast my thoughts and feelings via a forum like this. I've never been one to put things out for so many to see, however I find today that it be a necessity that i do, not as a plea for attention, nor a cry for help, but as an outlet. A means to get things of my chest and to say things I never thought I would say as I do not have a pre-disposition to experience what I have been feeling lately, which is depression. For a variety of compounding reasons, I feel as though depressed is what I have become. Not to the severity that is alarming, but one that is definitely beginning to affect my daily life. I, as I am sure many others have as well, have lost a lot over the past couple of years. Between people who I had become very close to and for one reason or another have pulled away, people who have passed away far too soon, and even people who are still present but the dynamic of the relationship and frequency of communication changing drastically have all taken their toll on me emotionally. Couple that with financial and professional pressures that have been mounting and that is what has brought me to this point today. I understand these are all part of life but the sheer weight and circumstance of each particular incidence has been difficult as they add up.
I said earlier that this wasn't a plea and it's not, at least not a direct one, however reading back I consider that maybe it is an indirect one in that I wish that things may change. That maybe some of those people who have pulled away will reconnect. Their absences have left a hole and I would love for them to not be afraid to take those steps, to open those doors, and become a part of my life again, in any capacity. For the relationships where the dynamics have changed, that they would settle into stability. These are the things which have caused me to lament for a while now, I'm not looking to illicit sympathy, I only hope that things will return to the way things used to be as much as possible.